ZACHARY, La. – Grocery store cameras caught the woman taking a 24-can case of beer from a cooler, exposing the 20-pound case between her thighs by pulling up her housedress, pulling her dress back down, and waddling out of the store. But it took a while to identify and find her.
Lisa Newsome, 42, of Baker, didn't deny anything when she was arrested Monday, said Capt. David McDavid of the Zachary Police Department.
"She wanted to demonstrate it ..." he said. "I told her, no thanks, I wasn't into that."
She was booked into the East Baton Rouge Parish Prison on a theft charge, he said.
"We weighed a case," he said. "It was 20 pounds."
The theft was Aug. 22. McDavid said police learned the woman's identity last week and located her Monday afternoon.
I almost passed out when I stumbled across this story. It's mind-boggling on so many levels.
First, what the fuck is with this chick? Using your cooch to carry a case of beer out of a store? How does one even get the idea that they want to try that? Call me crazy, but I am certainly glad Lisa Newsome did take the time to hone this necessary life skill. So many women in today's world are so caught up in making sure their hair looks perfect and their skin has no wrinkles that they forget to keep the meat curtains in good shape. Dudes are simple creatures; they'll overlook a few split ends and blackheads if you've got your lady parts in tip-top shape. I don't know what this chick looks like and I don't care; the bottom line is she's got a pussy that just won't quit and that's always a good thing.
Second, is this cop fucking kidding? No thanks? You're not into that?? He has to be gay, right? When a chick offers to show you her amazing vaginal gift, you don't turn that down. I don't care if the interview is being taped or not, this demonstration is something I'm getting a front row seat for 25 hours a day, 8 days a week (and no, those aren't typos).
It's bad enough your parents named you David McDavid; with a name like that you better have Denzel Washington's facial structure to pull tail, otherwise free peaks at vaginas are probably hard to come by. In this situation, you have to be smart and realize that she didn't shove the whole case up in there, she used her vag to carry the 20-pound case of beer. She's got a lean, mean, cock-handling machine down there and it's downright un-American to refuse a demo. At the very least it's breaking a man law.
Let this be a lesson to all you ladies out there who aren't paying enough attention to your vaginal strength. Next time your at the gym, don't be afraid to spend 5 fewer minutes on the elliptical and knock out a few sets of pussy crunches. Your boyfriend will thank you later.
