SHEBOYGAN, Wis. – A 36-year-old Wisconsin woman who stripped in front of her children in a drunken attempt to avoid a shoplifting arrest is going to jail. As part of a plea agreement, Julia E. Laack of Sheboygan pleaded no contest to three charges including retail theft. The Sheboygan Press says she was sentenced Thursday to six months in jail.
Prosecutors say Laack stole beef jerky and a lighter from a convenience store. They say when police went to her home she began screaming at [her] three children and told a teenager the incident was his fault.
Laack then stripped to her underwear and told officers they couldn't arrest her because she would be naked. (story courtesy of The Sheboygan Press)
Nothing like a good old-fashioned "chick gets naked to prove she wasn't shoplifting" story from my new home state to get back into the swings of things here at Waxon.
Now I'm not going to sit here and try to pretend like I know the Wisconsin state law book inside and out, but I'm pretty damn sure that A) voluntarily stripping yourself down to your undies immediately proves your innocence in any shoplifting case, B) stripping down in front of your own kids is certainly not against the law, and C) cops can't arrest you if you're naked.
That last one is definitely a slam dunk dropped charge; I've used the naked defense on multiple occasions to get myself out of everything from loitering to farm animal molestation. Ms. Laack may be guilty of having a martini too many, but her attempt to defend herself of the charges against her was spot-on and any half-decent public defender should have been able to get her out of lockup and get all charges dropped before lunch time.
I especially don't get why the retail theft charge is still in play here. The prosecution has no smoking gun here; where are stolen items? I see no mention in this story about the beef jerky and lighter in question falling out of this chick's tits when she started stripping down. What's to say it wasn't actually her teenage son who stole the items? Teenagers steal shit all the time; it's one of the few things they're good at, along with complaining, trying too hard to be cool, and listening to shitty music. Did the officers even bother to pat the kid down after she started screaming at him? Parents, even drunk ones, don't just start screaming at their kids for nothing.
If you ask me, this sounds like a lot of shoddy police work and leads not followed through on that led to this conviction. 6 months in the clink doesn't sound like much for these charges, but to me everything about this still screams conspiracy. Free Julia Laack! Free Julia Laack! Attica! Attica!
