Halo: ODST. Fun game, or funnest game? by Kyle W.

Alright, so that funnest game part is a lie. It's also terrible grammar. But I do love ODST, for a myriad of reasons.

1. Firefight. It's by far the best game mode ever. If you've played Gears of War 2 Horde mode, or Call of Duty's Nazi Zombies, then you've played something similar to Firefight. But unlike those two games, ODST wins harder than both. IT'S TOO MUCH FUN.

2. Instead of being the unstoppable super soldier, Master Chief, or the tragic hero of the Elites, The Arbiter, I get to be an ODST. ODST is an Orbital Drop Shock Trooper. So you can't charge into a group of Covenant and expect to come out alive. It's possible, but improbable. Tactics, teamwork, weapon usage, and level knowledge plays a huge part, and makes it infinitely more fun.

3. Getting to fight a bunch of different Halo Covenent species, including Brutes, Drones, Grunts, Jackals, and Hunters, along with the different weapon classes these enemies can come in means that variety runs rampant. Bungie also included a relatively unknown new race called Engineers, who serve no actual combat role but give Overshield to any unit within a certain range of them. Ultimate support units, these Engineers, and they can really ruin a team if not taken out quickly.

4. With the addition of "skulls" to Firefight, it vastly changes the difficulty from round to round, meaning that a team not working together can get royally fucked when a skull like "Enemies have 2x health" comes on.

5. And of course, the new campaign is extremely fun. It differs from the last Halos by concentrating more on a self contained story about the ODST squad instead of the entire war. I actually cared about what happened to all my squad mates. Also, the ambience and atmosphere of the campaign is top notch, giving an extreme sense of loneliness when playing as The Rookie in destroyed New Mombasa, and the classic Halo feel when playing as a different ODST like Buck or Romeo.

Buy this game if you even remotely liked any Halo, if you like Nazi Zombies, or even Horde Mode on Gears 2.

My gamertag again is Nightwing1191, add me and we'll Firefight it up. ODST out.

Take That, Bank Of America

NEW YORK (Reuters) – Dalton Chiscolm is unhappy about Bank of America's customer service -- really, really unhappy.

Chiscolm in August sued the largest U.S. bank and its board, demanding that "1,784 billion, trillion dollars" be deposited into his account the next day. He also demanded an additional $200,164,000, court papers show.

Attempts to reach Chiscolm were unsuccessful. A Bank of America spokesman declined to comment.

"Incomprehensible," U.S. District Judge Denny Chin said in a brief order released Thursday in Manhattan federal court.

"He seems to be complaining that he placed a series of calls to the bank in New York and received inconsistent information from a 'Spanish woman,'" the judge wrote. "He apparently alleges that checks have been rejected because of incomplete routing numbers."

Bank of America Corp faces real legal problems, including New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo's threat to sue its chief executive and a judge's embarrassing rejection of a settlement with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission.

Yet the money Chiscolm wants could dwarf all the bank's other problems. It's larger than a sextillion dollars, or a 1 followed by 21 zeros. Chiscolm's request is equivalent 1 followed by 22 digits. The sum also dwarfs the world's 2008 gross domestic product of $60 trillion, as estimated by the World Bank.

"These are the kind of numbers you deal with only on a cosmic scale," said Sylvain Cappell, New York University's Silver Professor at the Courant Institute for Mathematical Sciences. "If he thinks Bank of America has branches on every planet in the cosmos, then it might start to make some sense."

Judge Chin gave Chiscolm until October 23 to better explain the basis for his claims, or else see his complaint dismissed. (story courtesy of Reuters)



Bravo, Dalton Chiscolm, bravo. While lazy pussies like Michael Moore are making cute little movies poking fun at our economic crisis and the banks that are not being held accountable for their role in it, mavericks like Dalton Chiscolm are taking real action and trying to hit these crooks where it hurts: right in their big, fat pockets.

Judge Chin can call this lawsuit incomprehensible all he wants, but the facts are staring him right in the face and they point directly to a victory for Mr. Chiscolm. The place is called Bank of America, not bank of Spain. When you call up customer service, you should be speaking to an American, plain and simple. Game, set, match for Chiscolm. I bet after he wins this landmark case, BOA won't be fucking up his routing number this time.

Then you've got Sylvain Cappell smugly poking fun at Mr. Chiscolm's case. Listen, asshole, when's the last time you went up on Space Shuttle Discovery? If you haven't been to every planet in the cosmos then don't dismiss the possibility of there being a Bank of America on each any every one of them. That's probably what helped them stay afloat in the first place.

Andre Cuomo's potential case against BOA is good, don't get me wrong, but everybody needs to realize that Dalton Chiscolm's suit is as real as it gets. Bank of America clearly has 1,784 billion, trillion dollars hidden away somewhere; you know it, I know it, and Dalton Chiscolm knows it. He got fucked by the long dick of the American banking system only he didn't take it sitting down like the rest of us. He acted swiftly and decisively and if Bank of America knew what was good for them, they would stop counting how many zeros are actually in 1,784 billion, trillion and fucking pay up because Dalton Chiscolm does not fuck around, this guy plays for keeps.

Seriously, I would be afraid to even ask him for a dime for the soda machine at work out of fear that he'd charge me 5,000,000 years interest on it if I didn't repay him the next day and then slit my throat in my sleep just to send a message to the rest of the office.

HEADLINE: Soda Can Samurai Gets Bum Rap

BRYAN, Texas – A man who was apparently was upset after finding a soda can in his room allegedly used a sword to cut two of his roommates. Michael Angel Zamago was jailed on Friday on a charge of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon related to family violence. Bail was $25,000.

A police report indicates Zamago was upset to find a soda can in his room, thinking someone entered without permission. Zamago allegedly used the sword to poke holes in a closed door to a room where the pair fled.

One roommate has a cut under his right arm pit. The other suffered a cut in the shoulder area.

A jailer who declined to provide his name said there was no record of an attorney for Zamago. (story courtesy of the Associated Press)



It's too bad Johnnie Cochran is dead because he would have this dude out of jail and all charges dropped before lunch time. This is an absolute no-brainer if you really break it down.

When the 2 people you jack up with your sword are hiding in another fucking room after fleeing the scene, that's dead giveaway that they were in your room without your permission. Where I come from, we call that trespassing and if your home or living space is invaded, you defend that shit at all costs. If that means a couple of pussies who had the gall to trespass and then sully your room with soda cans have a little of their blood spilled, then so be it.

All Michael Zamago was trying to do was keep a clean, orderly dwelling and do his part to help Mother Nature. Dude's probably an eco-friendly, organic food-eating guy so of course he's going to flip 3 shits when he finds a soda can in his room. It's not like he was running through the streets carving people up like Sir Lancelot in Monty Python and The Holy Grail; he didn't attack until provoked, which I'm pretty sure is the 4th or 5th rule of the Samurai Code so where does the aggravated assault come in? Not to mention the 2 "victims" were his friends, not family, so the whole "related to family violence" bit is out the window too.

This is nothing more than a simple case of "Don't Do the Crime if You Can't Do the Time." You don't want your roommate going Jack Torrance on you through your bedroom door? Don't drink Dr. Pepper in his room and leave your shit laying around; pretty fucking simple if you ask me. And if all you suffer is a cut to the arm pit and shoulder, don't go crying to the police. Put a little hydrogen peroxide and a Band-Aid on that shit and go back to work.

Goddamn Emus Are Running Amok in Mississippi

FOREST, Miss. – Officers had to use a stun gun and handcuffs to capture an emu running loose on Interstate 20 in central Mississippi on Sunday. Police Officer Kiley Culpepper told WLBT-TV in Jackson that motorists had been calling 911 since Friday to report sightings of two emus on I-20 and nearby U.S. Highway 80.

Authorities had been unable to find the animals until Sunday, when one was spotted near an I-20 entrance ramp.

The big bird was dodging traffic. Culpepper and deputies were able to surround the animal but has to use the Taser and handcuffs to finally get it off the road.

After being captured, the animal was taken to the Scott County Forest Coliseum. (story courtesy of Yahoo! News)



Fuckin' A, man!! It's about goddamn time emus got what was coming to them. For too long we've let them run wild through our country thinking they could do whatever they want, walk across any highway exit they damn pleased. Well no more!! Cops in Forest, Mississippi know what's up and they aren't going to stand for this slap in the face of humanity, least of all Kiley Culpepper.

You want to play chicken with people on the entrance ramp who are probably trying to get to work so they can drag us out of this recession since it's clear Barry O. isn't helping in that department? BAM!!! Fuckin' handcuffs and tasers all up in your ass!!

I don't know when emus started thinking they ran shit around here, but it's about time somebody stepped up and put an end to this bullshit. Nevermind that there probably isn't any use for handcuffs on creatures that don't have hands, Mississippi cops probably never think that far ahead. But in times like these when our society is crumbling around us to the point that emus are basically teabagging us on the highway, I don't want cops that think, I want cops that fucking act!

Too bad the police only managed to cuff and taze one of the perpetrators. All I know is that second emu better have some friends who can help him stay off the grid because the Forest, Mississipi Sherrif's Department is coming hard for you this time, friend. No handcuffs or Miranda rights here, just a double dose of American justice delivered with a standard-issue 9mm.

Terrible Music? by Garrett R

Once you get beyond the clever title please proceed to hear what I actually have to say.

Why is everyone so down on the current stream of real music? (by real music I mean everything but rap and hip-hop)

I'll admit, we have hit a musical dryspell when it comes to a rush of good bands. But think about it once, have we really?
People often say that music was better 'way back when' because you rarely hear a 'bad' old song.


Journey, Kiss and the Beatles have stood the test of time, still sell albums and still are known. But really, in ten years who will talk of Esmee Denters, Graham Colton or Julianne Hough? Sure, they sell records NOW, but in some years, they will not even be known, spare the rare hit.

The fact is, in the 1900's there was just as much bad music as there is now, just as many one-hit wonders and just as many artists trying to make a name for themselves without having any real talent. The only reason you don't hear about it is because no one cares about them. The hits live on and the musical heroes behind the notes are invincible. The bad music has vanished because no one ever bothered to play that shotty song to their kids. I got into Journey and hair bands through my dad, because it is good music, not because he wanted me to bleed from the eyes due to ridiculous monster ballads. He knew it was good and wanted to share his childhood with me.

Furthermore, N'sync was considered a terrible band by every heterosexual male ever when they were in their prime. Now, not only is it hip to LIKE N'sync, but their songs are considered "classic". This baffles me. This begs the question...how many people hated Michael Jackson when they were growing up...but now, that he is timeless in his on stage stunts and gimmicks, that he became popular past his prime and eventual death just because he was a prevalent force in music when he was renowned by most. That, I believe is what happened with N'sync...in their homosexuality and band's collapse, they gained their previous un-fans because they were popular when we were growing up. Does such constant exposure to them really make them softer on the ears, years later?

Now...this begs the question...who is today's Kiss? Journey? Beatles? it is impossible to tell...truly, it is anyones guess...but let me tell you, they might now be who you expect them to be...

That's all.

Translation. Let's have a party!

I've found a new awesome time waster. It's called Translation Party.
I found time to throw a new one. Translator is called.

Found at TranslationParty.com, it's a nifty little webtool that takes a phrase, such as...

"The quick, brown fox jumped over the lazy dog."

and translates it from English into Japanese and back again until it translates the same in both languages. So the above phrase goes through 19 translations in a few seconds and is turned into

"Rose Brown is currently the lazy brown dog."

Now, that one isn't particularly hilarious but it's interesting to see what mulitple translations does to a phrase, and some CAN be extremely amusing.

Something simple like "Please have yourself a nice day!" goes to "I have a sunny day!"

Not exactly what I meant...but ok.


Or something silly like...

"No, I will not put your banana underwear upon my giraffe's head."

turns into an even sillier...

"No, I do not, he is located on the head of a giraffe wearing underwear, the banana is not."

Try it!

That is my time, enjoy.
It is time for me to enjoy.

"What A Wonderful World" Quick Hits by That Guy

Best Police Report Ever

I officer Candley responded to a complaint from an anonymous person that a white male wearing a bikini was in the parking lot at 1201 Louisville Ave (Hixon Used Cars) masturbating between the two cars.

Upon arrival I made contact with John Hudson who was wearing women’s lingerie and fish net stockings. Hudson stated that he was masturbating in the parking lot and that he had a fetish. I observed between two of the vehicles that were for sale a pink dildo with pubic hairs on it, pornographic magazines, lotion, and women’s clothes.

I made contact with an employee from Hixon Auto Plex who stated that they wanted to press charges for trespassing. (story courtesy of BarStoolSports.com)



HOLY SHIT!!! I guess this kid had a good Labor Day weekend, huh?

What's the big deal here? The kid got a little frisky and he had to get off. He was clearly already dressed to the 9's and when you've got your good lingerie on you can't very well stay indoors to masturbate. I think this guy showed great consideration for those around him by being gracious enough to jerk off between 2 cars.

I thought we lived in America, but apparently it's just Communist Russia. If you can't dress up in fishnets and lingerie in the good old U.S. of A., then where the hell can you??



Peoples' Exhibit 954,385 For Why Courtney Love Should Die

Some people have found Kurt Cobain's posthumous appearance in Guitar Hero 5 a little unsettling -- including his widow, Courtney Love.

In a Twitter tirade for the ages, the former Hole frontwoman announced plans to sue Guitar Hero 5 publisher Activision over the way her late husband was represented in the game

In particular, Love is incensed over the look of Cobain's avatar, which can be used by gamers to play non-Nirvana songs with Cobain lip-synching along. Love insisted she "never signed off on the avatar, let alone this [expletive] feature" and that "there's been four breaches of a very strict contract."

However, according to Activision vice president Tim Riley, working with Love was smooth and easy.

"Courtney supplied us with photos and videos," he told The Guardian. "She picked the wardrobe and hairstyle, which turned out to be the 'Teen Spirit' look, then we went back and forth over changes – some subtle, some not so subtle." (story courtesy of Yahoo!)



You're incensed about how the character looks? Bitch, YOU FUCKING KILLED HIM!!!!! Anybody with 1/4 of a brain knows Kurt Cobain didn't commit suicide and here's just another bit of evidence.

Courtney Love could give a shit about the fact that a well-done likeness of her ex-husband is disgracing his legacy by singing "You Give Love A Bad Name" and rapping like Flavor Flav (check out the video of it on YouTube if you don't believe me). She cares about the fact that there have been "four breaches of a very strict contract." If she's going to make more money off of Kurt Cobain, then GODDAMN IT, it better be according to the contract.

I'm pretty sure Activision wasn't going to take any chances on this and risk losing everything they've built to your money-grabbing, pill-popping ass, so when they say you provided them with videos and photos and helped pick out the wardrobe, I'm taking their word.

Fucking bitch. Do the world a favor and take the same shotgun you killed Kurt with and blow your own brains all over the back of your living room wall.




How About 10 Counts of Being an Awesome Youth Minister?

A youth minister at a Stafford County church was indicted yesterday on charges that she had sexual relations with a 15-year-old boy.

Jennifer Michelle Brennan, 36, of Spotsylvania was charged by a Stafford grand jury with 10 counts of taking indecent liberties with a child and 10 counts of contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

According to court records and sources, Brennan met the boy through her position as youth minister at Saint Matthias United Methodist Church in Stafford. The boy's mother said that among other things, Brennan counseled her son and his girlfriend against premarital sex.

An affidavit for a search warrant states that Brennan began holding and kissing the boy during counseling sessions, and the acts later escalated to sodomy and sexual intercourse.

"She is a predator and she preyed on my son," the boy's mother said. "I just hope she didn't prey on anybody else's son." (story courtesy of Fredericksburg.com)



Preyed on your son??? Lady, your son is 15 with a girlfriend; 100 bucks says he fucks her more times in a week than your husband slides it in you in a month.

And why is everybody jumping on Mrs. Brennan here for messing around with this kid? The first few paragraphs tell the whole story; she's a youth minister and gave the boy and his girlfriend a speech about the dangers of premarital sex. How the fuck is she supposed to know if her words had any effect if she doesn't try to penetrate the kid's abstinence defenses?

If anything, she should be given an award for going above and beyond the call of duty. It's one thing to give speeches and preach all this crap about living a good, honest, pure life. It's another to follow through and make damn sure those words rang true in the hearts of those who heard them.

If you ask me, we need more chicks like Jen Brennan around to straighten out America's misguided youth. Or at the bare minimum let them know what anal feels like.

White Support Groups by Garrett R.

After nearly a month's absence from the blog I will not hesitate to piss people off...after all...it is what I live for. It is even the reason I was gone so long. I was far too busy angering others.

[sarcasm]So...I am going to start a White Support Group(WSG). Yes. I said it. Every minority I can think of has multiple support groups: Blacks, Hispanics, Gays ...furthermore, there are even more groups that exist to only certain exclusive individuals such and the Baker's Guild or Alcoholics Anonymous. Even worse are the events that proclaim such biased and regrettably supported beliefs; for instance, Gay Pride Parades, church, Black History Month and the Special Olympics. [/sarcasm]

Of course, I am being very sarcastic and am totally joking...I fully support anyone to be what they want to be or to express themselves as who they are. My point is, I do not know of a single group that strictly supports Caucasians. There are interviews with black men saying that they would not support the creation of a WSG because "the majority can support itself as a whole."

As a whole? Yes. But what about individually? I live in southern Wisconsin where my college is only 45 minutes from Milwaukee. Now, everyone in Wisconsin knows that southern Wisconsin has a greater culture variety than anywhere else in the state. The chances of a white gang laying the smack down on some unsuspecting man of color is the same as the same thing happen to the Caucasian sort. If a black man has a specific group to go to, to be counseled. Why can't a white man have the same right? Because it is considered racist to create a group that suggests that hate crimes are not a one way street. A person is a person no matter what, correct? So why create such a double standard?

I guarantee that more than half of the people attending such therapy or other sorts of group sessions have PERSONAL experiences with discrimination, rape or any other PERSONAL reasons that could leave behind some PERSONAL trauma. Take note that I left the group support with less than half of the population, you know, the people who are there because they want to be, not because they have to be. What baffles me is not that people need help, but that skin color has any effect on the mind whatsoever. I am guilty of this, I know I am. It isn't that I think less of anyone, it is that a first impression is always what we see, not what we hear. Light travels faster than sound. Regardless, a white man assaulting you, should make no difference than a black man assaulting you. Rape victims often cannot have black therapists because a black man raped them...it works both ways...this however, is not my point. My point is, that the therapist is not the same person that raped you (in most occurrences)...so why should it matter? You let one person represent their whole race? To fear all white men, because you happened to be assaulted by a white man once upon a time, is sad, it is shallow, it is appalling.

A recent "hot topic" has been women being fire fighters. If the woman is physically able to lift me (a 280 pound, 6'2" individual) down the stairs and to safety than fine. Great. But if the woman is featherlight and unable, I think I would just die to save myself the flamey humiliatition that I would receive from squishing her before getting ashed. This is entirely different...this is talking about being able to do your job. A black man and a white man, despite pigment, can probably do each others job if they were given the exact same traits at birth. It makes no difference.

If some need support, everyone should be granted an unbiased atmosphere. A place where everyone goes, no matter your skin tone. One location for everyone. That is what civil rights and liberties are for. To make and show everyone as an equal. A man is not determined by what he is at sight, but what he does is his life. No one should get special treatment. No one.

And if the special treatment must continue? Then yes, I do believe that a WSG should not be frowned upon. If you are a fully capable and matured person, you should be able to handle that.

And for the record, I am going into Special Education and have a sibling with Autism...I have nothing against people with disabilities. It was purely satirical and while not necessary, was still used to prove a point. Also, I never meant to be racist, if anything is a little offending please email us so we can review the content.

That's all.

STFU STOOPID NOOB...or not. by Kyle W.

When it comes to video games, I'm like Bobby Brown to coke, a tenth grader to porn, or Paris Hilton to stupidity. Addicted. This Live Action trailer gave me wood, and it really gives me the hope that a Halo movie could be off the hook.

The new Halo 3: ODST game coming out Sept. 22nd is like a big rock of joy for me. But of course, it's going to be marred by fanboys who will forever contend that Xbox 360 sucks or that Halo is nothing compared to Call of Duty.

Well guess what. No one should care. EVER. About something so stupid. Video games are something so revolutionary that some older people can't even wrap their minds around it. We're playing simulations of life, games that aren't much more than thumb and index finger exercisers. Video games is a BILLION dollar industry that made more money last year than Hollywood. In 20 years, games have gone from two paddles and a ball to enormous immersing universes with enthralling stories, landscapes so defined that it puts Earth to shame, and characters so deep they create real life emotional attachments. It's undoubtedly an art form, albeit with a different fanbase than Van Gogh or Beethoven.

So when I get on Xbox Live (my gamertag is nightwing1191 by the way) to play Halo 3 or Call of Duty 5 (Holy shit, I play both), it chaps my ass to hear "NOOB HALO SUCKS CoD is BETTER GET A LIFE" or "FUCK CALL OF DUTY, I'D BEAT YOUR ASS IN HALO."

It. Doesn't. Matter. Why can't we be happy with what we have? If you don't like a game, don't play it. If you see a commercial for a game you hate, change the channel. Don't read news about it. Ignore it. It's possible. Bush did it when Katrina hit. America does it to the rest of the world. We have so many options, so many games, so many systems, that getting angry about what game is better should be grounds for immediate dismissal from the gene pool. Be thankful that video games are mainstream, that hundreds of companies want to make games for us, and that you are economically endowed enough to afford to play.

...

Another poignant point. Stop insulting people for being bad at games. I suck at Call of Duty right now because I just bought it today. But I also don't go in talking like I'm MLG at it. I know I suck, and I am learning to get better. all the elitist pricks out there that must always talk shit in every single game lobby about how you got 50 kills in a match (especially when they're "high" which to me seems weird that 1 in 4 so called amazing players is high all the time) should also do the only sensible thing and put a bullet in their face.

I'll say this though. I know sometimes I gloat, sometimes I get angry, sometimes I make fun of bad players. But I never do it over the mic and especially not in person. All that comes from that is new players not having fun playing video games and quitting. Be mad on your own time.

If someone talks a big game but can't back it up though, by all rights, lay into them. Insult their mom if you want. They deserve it for not knowing when to shut the fuck up.

That's my time.

---

Add-On

As I said, my gamertag is Nightwing1191. Add me! I play games such as...

Madden 2010
Call of Duty: World at War
Halo 3 (and ODST soon)
Left 4 Dead
Peggle
PGR 4
Gears of War 2

and plenty others.

Game on.

HEADLINE: Chick Steals Case of Beer With Her Vagina by "That Guy"

ZACHARY, La. – Grocery store cameras caught the woman taking a 24-can case of beer from a cooler, exposing the 20-pound case between her thighs by pulling up her housedress, pulling her dress back down, and waddling out of the store. But it took a while to identify and find her.

Lisa Newsome, 42, of Baker, didn't deny anything when she was arrested Monday, said Capt. David McDavid of the Zachary Police Department.

"She wanted to demonstrate it ..." he said. "I told her, no thanks, I wasn't into that."

She was booked into the East Baton Rouge Parish Prison on a theft charge, he said.

"We weighed a case," he said. "It was 20 pounds."

The theft was Aug. 22. McDavid said police learned the woman's identity last week and located her Monday afternoon.



I almost passed out when I stumbled across this story. It's mind-boggling on so many levels.

First, what the fuck is with this chick? Using your cooch to carry a case of beer out of a store? How does one even get the idea that they want to try that? Call me crazy, but I am certainly glad Lisa Newsome did take the time to hone this necessary life skill. So many women in today's world are so caught up in making sure their hair looks perfect and their skin has no wrinkles that they forget to keep the meat curtains in good shape. Dudes are simple creatures; they'll overlook a few split ends and blackheads if you've got your lady parts in tip-top shape. I don't know what this chick looks like and I don't care; the bottom line is she's got a pussy that just won't quit and that's always a good thing.

Second, is this cop fucking kidding? No thanks? You're not into that?? He has to be gay, right? When a chick offers to show you her amazing vaginal gift, you don't turn that down. I don't care if the interview is being taped or not, this demonstration is something I'm getting a front row seat for 25 hours a day, 8 days a week (and no, those aren't typos).

It's bad enough your parents named you David McDavid; with a name like that you better have Denzel Washington's facial structure to pull tail, otherwise free peaks at vaginas are probably hard to come by. In this situation, you have to be smart and realize that she didn't shove the whole case up in there, she used her vag to carry the 20-pound case of beer. She's got a lean, mean, cock-handling machine down there and it's downright un-American to refuse a demo. At the very least it's breaking a man law.

Let this be a lesson to all you ladies out there who aren't paying enough attention to your vaginal strength. Next time your at the gym, don't be afraid to spend 5 fewer minutes on the elliptical and knock out a few sets of pussy crunches. Your boyfriend will thank you later.

You don't deserve it by Kyle W.

Football season is here once again. Which means a few things.

1. The rabid football fans all finally get to watch 22 men try and kill each other every Sunday, Monday, and sometimes Thursday.

2. Lots of gambling.

3. The yearly dose of first round draft picks holding out for more money.

Now, subscribe to number 1. I love football.

Two is a moot point. Don't care.

But number 3 is...enraging.

As a first round draft pick, you haven't done shit. You haven't scored an NFL touchdown, or made a highlight, or even taken a snap. All that stuff you did in college? Doesn't mean anything. That was college football, and as popular as it is, it's nothing compared to the competition level of the pros.

Someone like Michael Crabtree holding out for more money makes me sick. Crabtree not only hasn't played a snap of football, but he also missed the draft workouts because of injury. So here's his credentials.

...

Yup.

Andre Smith, the Bengals rookie offensive lineman who was the most recent first-round holdout to sign his deal, broke his foot today, two days after he joined the team.

Now, I feel bad for the Bengals. First this do-nothing holds out, then they give him way too much money for no proven skill set, and then he breaks his foot and now he's even more worthless than before. In fact, Smith was on his way to sliding out of the first round because of his flabby body and worse attitude until Cincy couldn't afford to pass on him.

NFL rookies sign ridiculous contracts every season, with every increasing bonuses that give them enough cash to buy their own island.

Players who have NEVER PLAYED ONE SINGLE DOWN OF PRO FOOTBALL gain enough influence to basically use playground bully tactics to get teams to pay ludicrous sums before they’ll even report to practice. And every time a team gives in to these demands and award these huge contracts, the next team that drafts a high pick is basically FORCED to do the same if not increase the amount.

The NFL should put a cap on rookie contracts. It would save us weeks of this bullshit.

I don’t understand why Commissioner Roger Goodell can invent 3,000 rules to govern the way players celebrate a touchdown and conduct their personal lives and not make a move to limit the disturbing growth of holdouts and idiot rookie players looking for a payday without working a day for it.

And another thing. Why did we have to ban touchdown dances? Sure, when props started getting involved it was a little much. But moves like the Dirty Bird, the Ickey Shuffle, Ochocinco's River Dance, or D. McNabb's Moonwalk were fun and most of all entertaining. Considering the only reason players get paid so much is because they entertain us, the public. We pay the ticket prices and merchandise costs, and they play and we yell and scream and forget about the trials and tribulations of our lives for a few hours. Sometimes I feel like everyone forgets that.

That's my time. Enjoy.