Just sort of reflecting on my life, thinking about old times, and I realized. Weird crap happens to me. And it usually involves ducks. Here's a few stories I have to prove it.
I was walking along the bike path near my old house, on my way to visit my friend, let's call him Steve, since that's his name. Anyway. I happen to overhear a pair of ducks loudly arguing about something duck-related. First one would quack, then immediately the other, then the first one again. Because I was at a slow pace and they were quite loud, I managed to hear a good 30 seconds of duck...banter?
Now, experience tells me that if an animal is making noise and you yell "SHUT UP!" at it, it'll usually comply. So I try it on the ducks.
They stop.
Then, both turn to me, and give me the creepiest duck stare I have ever seen in my life. It was as if they were saying to me "We know where you live and we will come to your house and eat all your bread before we suffocate you with our soft down underbellies."
I'm a little nervous around ducks.
I've heard a duck tell a joke...I think. There was as group of ducks on a pond in a lake near where I used to work. One of the ducks was quacking away looking straight at a group of like 8 more ducks. Then the single duck stopped quacking, and all the other ducks went bat-shit crazy and quacked like mad-fowl. It looked just like duck stand-up comedy.
If I spoke duck, I imagine something like, "Man that flight in from Canada was a bitch eh?"
I don't know what ducks joke about...
So, I was eating my lunch on a bench near the same pond thing that the joke telling duck was in. He must have moved to a different venue at this point. It was near the end of summer, so there were ducks (and some geese, to be accurate) around, begging people for food. So a few ducks waddled up to me, and I tore off some bread from my sub sandwich, and tossed it to them. Well, they gobbled up the bread in their own duck way, until there was one piece left.
There were two ducks were charging for this last bread piece, and then a third duck quacked really loud and then the other two ducks stopped. The third duck sniffed the bread. Well, I thought it sniffed it. Do ducks have nostrils? Anyway,the duck that sniffed it must not have wanted it and backed up. The two original ducks were about equal distance away from the bread. The third duck looked at both of them, then flapped its wings, then the two original ducks raced at the bread, but instead clashed into each other, trying to push the other away from the bread, wings flapping and bills snapping.
It looked like some sort of duck sumo.
...
Ducks are fucking weird.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
"Ropes" By Garrett R
"Sometimes... the split in the road represents all the routes in life that one could take. One decision leading to yet another fork while the parallels solve all the other endless paths forgotten. For me...these alternate paths show all the wonders missed by you. For I am bound to ropes that drag me straight to you. Through flame and ominous waters, that willingly blanket my body, preventing my breath, giving the calm sensation of silence and solitude. My mind, heart and soul yearn to run to you, clasp you in my arms, speak your name, feel your whispers on my neck. But you have me harnessed together by the wrists, I couldn't hold you if I tried, my feet are smashed and gouged from the paths you've taken me upon, I cannot speak for my mouth is dry and couldn't find the right words if my thirst was quenched. Do you recall my fickle attempts at escape? I jumped over the edge, only to find you were the cliff and the ground below...I fell with the winds pulling at my hair and smashed face first into you. I was bleeding, broken... you nursed me back to health, I rose from your hospital bed and sailed away. It seemed as though I would never come back. But you became the hurricane and you consumed my thoughts. You drown my vessel and I clung to you for support. Again, you helped my eyes open and you helped me breathe. Then you showed me the ropes, with cuffs crafted just for me. You promised me forever, then you walked on top of the sea. Tied to your arm I had to follow, with you long out of sight. I plead and begged for you to release me as the water covered my eyes, you did not. And you carried me through the waves, hurt but alive. Now we are here...you are still to distant to spot, the speck on the horizon is not you, it never was. For these ropes to which I am bound, lead to nothing."
Here's a Quarter. Now Pay Attention by Kyle W.
Ladies, we need to talk.
By we, I mean a small group of guys whom you seem to not know anything about. We're the nice guys, the guy friends you turn to when the "total hottie" shatters your young female heart all over your bedroom floor, when "GRRR Boys suck!", or when he doesn't quite grasp that living in a different area code still constitutes cheating. We've dried your dripping tear ducts, offered you the shoulder to sob on, listened to you whine in person and on the phone for hours, and all the while told you it was all going to be o-k. Well, I and the rest of my little group are DONE being slapped the "Nice Guys Finish Last" stereotype.
We had a meeting. Decided on couple things that you might want to take a look at.
First off, we are sick of listening to you cry while simultaneously completely losing out in the girlfriend department. We can't even count the number of instances where we have listened to you mope, sulk, and grumble about finding the "nice boy who will treat me with respect," when we're standing here in plain view, right in front of your face? Oh wait...that's right. We don't count because you wouldn't dare to "mess things up." That's the BIGGEST load of crap we've ever had enter our ears. Perhaps if we were muscled and toned and "omg hawt" as the frat boy flavor of the month, you'd give us even a second look. Well, you know what? It's life. It is NOT like a daytime soap. How long do you honestly expect us just to sit by and listen to tragedy and turmoil that surrounds your life and not fall for you? Are you blind? Me and the guys were thinking of maybe passing out some seeing-eye dogs. We are sick of being just another "girl" friend. And that is what we are. We're the quintessential girlfriend, but with a deeper voice and with a few parts exchanged.
Next topic.
Cut the crap. We know what you mean, we actually understand you; if you want us to go away for a while, TELL US. Don't lie and say it's "girl's night out." This is asinine and a heap of BS, because the minute you see a hot guy, you're scoping him out and suddenly "on the prowl." We are pretty straightforward on the other hand: we're either "on the prowl" or "hanging with the guys." Those are our two modes. Also, if you don't like us, we can handle it. TELL US. None of this "Let's just be really really good friends" malarkey. (This also marks the first time I've used the word "malarkey" in context) Translation: "I'm sorry, but you're just really ugly or fat or short or tall or any other of the small possible flaws that you have little to no control over." If we don't ask you on a date, a good guess would be because we are intimidated by you. Don't make us increasingly nervous and anxious by rushing to be our "friend" when we like you.
Finally, and ladies if you haven't been paying attention, this is the most important time to start.
If the guy you are with is treating you like crap...let me clear my throat for this one... LEAVE HIM. I know you don't want to because he is so hot and has the "dreamiest blue eyes," but he is a scum bag; a loser, an asshole, and not worth your time and effort. Wake up, stretch, go pee, get dressed, look in the mirror and see that he is a jerk. He will not get better if you give it a few more days or weeks or months. He will not change because "You don't know him like I do". We are professionals in seeing through the veils that people surround themselves with. We know that people, do not change unless they want to. And believe it when I say this, he doesn't want to change, because all he has to do is find the next skirt to chase and will then proceed to forget you existed.
"But Kyle, what do you mean by all this?" I'm glad you asked. You see, if he: stands you up routinely with no viable explanation, yells at you repeatedly, forces you to dress or act a certain way, alienates you from anybody you were friends with before you got with him, or, most obviously cheats on you, he WILL DO IT AGAIN. AND AGAIN. AND...yes. That's right. AGAIN. Good, you're learning. Just as he will always do these things, you will always go back to him. It is like the gears of a clock. He will effectively own you, treat you badly, and we will cry for you because of it. Then, after a long night of us making you feel better, you'll somehow forget the pain he caused you, go back to him, and he will treat you as worse as before, and we'll be there for you once again. Please do yourselves (and us) a favor, and let him go; don't save this one. I promise you, he is not THAT cute, and the sex is not THAT good. Nothing is worth getting hurt time and again, and when you do get hurt, nice guys like us really feel to introducing Abercrombie and his buddy Fitch to Fist and his friend Other Fist.
All told, we want nothing more than to show you what a real "good" guy is like. You know the one. That good guy your girlfriends tell you about.
Oh...oh wait here. We interrupt this note with a breaking news bulletin. It seems...yes I've just been informed that WE ARE THOSE "GOOD" GUYS. You deal with an untapped resource of quality date material every single day, and we think we finally deserve our chance. You can't deny it. Why, it was just the other day you were saying how sweet we are, how "romantic" our ideas are, and how you wish there were more guys like us in the world. So stop trying to hook us up with your humped back cousin with the mole who's from a different branch of the family tree. We are friends with YOU, we want to show YOU how good we really are.
Unlike Mr. Six Pack Abs, we don't like you because your halter top is tight and your ass looks fine in those jeans. Not because you looked nice under the strobe lights or when we were drunk, either. Not because this one guy said you were easy or because you spent 3 hours putting on make-up and picking out clothes. We are attracted the inner you because we know that part of you better than anyone else. We know everything there is to know about you because you've been telling us for months and years. You have shared your guarded, innermost secrets with us. So we can't dance moves and can't bench twice our weight. We still dance with you on the dance floor or in the rain or in the basement when no one else is watching. And hey, we try to work out, but the new expansion came out for our favorite game, and we're trying to figure out how to end something we wrote about you. Who knows you better than us? Who can you trust with everything? That's right, ladies, us. The Nice Guys. The boy-girlfriends.
Thanks for reading, if you did. If not, eat me. - Kyle
By we, I mean a small group of guys whom you seem to not know anything about. We're the nice guys, the guy friends you turn to when the "total hottie" shatters your young female heart all over your bedroom floor, when "GRRR Boys suck!", or when he doesn't quite grasp that living in a different area code still constitutes cheating. We've dried your dripping tear ducts, offered you the shoulder to sob on, listened to you whine in person and on the phone for hours, and all the while told you it was all going to be o-k. Well, I and the rest of my little group are DONE being slapped the "Nice Guys Finish Last" stereotype.
We had a meeting. Decided on couple things that you might want to take a look at.
First off, we are sick of listening to you cry while simultaneously completely losing out in the girlfriend department. We can't even count the number of instances where we have listened to you mope, sulk, and grumble about finding the "nice boy who will treat me with respect," when we're standing here in plain view, right in front of your face? Oh wait...that's right. We don't count because you wouldn't dare to "mess things up." That's the BIGGEST load of crap we've ever had enter our ears. Perhaps if we were muscled and toned and "omg hawt" as the frat boy flavor of the month, you'd give us even a second look. Well, you know what? It's life. It is NOT like a daytime soap. How long do you honestly expect us just to sit by and listen to tragedy and turmoil that surrounds your life and not fall for you? Are you blind? Me and the guys were thinking of maybe passing out some seeing-eye dogs. We are sick of being just another "girl" friend. And that is what we are. We're the quintessential girlfriend, but with a deeper voice and with a few parts exchanged.
Next topic.
Cut the crap. We know what you mean, we actually understand you; if you want us to go away for a while, TELL US. Don't lie and say it's "girl's night out." This is asinine and a heap of BS, because the minute you see a hot guy, you're scoping him out and suddenly "on the prowl." We are pretty straightforward on the other hand: we're either "on the prowl" or "hanging with the guys." Those are our two modes. Also, if you don't like us, we can handle it. TELL US. None of this "Let's just be really really good friends" malarkey. (This also marks the first time I've used the word "malarkey" in context) Translation: "I'm sorry, but you're just really ugly or fat or short or tall or any other of the small possible flaws that you have little to no control over." If we don't ask you on a date, a good guess would be because we are intimidated by you. Don't make us increasingly nervous and anxious by rushing to be our "friend" when we like you.
Finally, and ladies if you haven't been paying attention, this is the most important time to start.
If the guy you are with is treating you like crap...let me clear my throat for this one... LEAVE HIM. I know you don't want to because he is so hot and has the "dreamiest blue eyes," but he is a scum bag; a loser, an asshole, and not worth your time and effort. Wake up, stretch, go pee, get dressed, look in the mirror and see that he is a jerk. He will not get better if you give it a few more days or weeks or months. He will not change because "You don't know him like I do". We are professionals in seeing through the veils that people surround themselves with. We know that people, do not change unless they want to. And believe it when I say this, he doesn't want to change, because all he has to do is find the next skirt to chase and will then proceed to forget you existed.
"But Kyle, what do you mean by all this?" I'm glad you asked. You see, if he: stands you up routinely with no viable explanation, yells at you repeatedly, forces you to dress or act a certain way, alienates you from anybody you were friends with before you got with him, or, most obviously cheats on you, he WILL DO IT AGAIN. AND AGAIN. AND...yes. That's right. AGAIN. Good, you're learning. Just as he will always do these things, you will always go back to him. It is like the gears of a clock. He will effectively own you, treat you badly, and we will cry for you because of it. Then, after a long night of us making you feel better, you'll somehow forget the pain he caused you, go back to him, and he will treat you as worse as before, and we'll be there for you once again. Please do yourselves (and us) a favor, and let him go; don't save this one. I promise you, he is not THAT cute, and the sex is not THAT good. Nothing is worth getting hurt time and again, and when you do get hurt, nice guys like us really feel to introducing Abercrombie and his buddy Fitch to Fist and his friend Other Fist.
All told, we want nothing more than to show you what a real "good" guy is like. You know the one. That good guy your girlfriends tell you about.
Oh...oh wait here. We interrupt this note with a breaking news bulletin. It seems...yes I've just been informed that WE ARE THOSE "GOOD" GUYS. You deal with an untapped resource of quality date material every single day, and we think we finally deserve our chance. You can't deny it. Why, it was just the other day you were saying how sweet we are, how "romantic" our ideas are, and how you wish there were more guys like us in the world. So stop trying to hook us up with your humped back cousin with the mole who's from a different branch of the family tree. We are friends with YOU, we want to show YOU how good we really are.
Unlike Mr. Six Pack Abs, we don't like you because your halter top is tight and your ass looks fine in those jeans. Not because you looked nice under the strobe lights or when we were drunk, either. Not because this one guy said you were easy or because you spent 3 hours putting on make-up and picking out clothes. We are attracted the inner you because we know that part of you better than anyone else. We know everything there is to know about you because you've been telling us for months and years. You have shared your guarded, innermost secrets with us. So we can't dance moves and can't bench twice our weight. We still dance with you on the dance floor or in the rain or in the basement when no one else is watching. And hey, we try to work out, but the new expansion came out for our favorite game, and we're trying to figure out how to end something we wrote about you. Who knows you better than us? Who can you trust with everything? That's right, ladies, us. The Nice Guys. The boy-girlfriends.
Thanks for reading, if you did. If not, eat me. - Kyle
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