You Put the Beer Bong Where??? by "That Guy"

I read a story today about how kids are starting to experiment with drugs at a younger and younger age today, and how creative they're getting with their ways to conceal the drugs and use them. Some of these new methods include making smoking pipes out of highlighters and lipstick cases, snorting vodka, soaking tampons in liquor, and doing anal beer bongs.

Yep, you heard right folks, anal beer bongs. Jesus Fucking Christ, I thought I was slick back in the days when I was 16 for smoking weed out of a makeshift bowl made from a Bic pen and some tin foil and popping Keystone Lights in my friend's basement when his parents were asleep. Today's teenagers have stepped the underage drinking game to a whole new level with the anal beer bongs though. I've been sitting here trying to figure out the physics of it and I'm still coming up empty. How the fuck can doing a beer bong through your ass be beneficial to your level of intoxication or your anal well being? Not to mention the fact that it has to be a pretty big fucking buzzkill to your party to walk out to the back porch to grab a beer and see your best friend with his cheeks spread and a thick plastic tube up his ass.

I don't understand the need for all this creativity and secrecy by today's teens. From what I read in the papers, it sure as shit doesn't seem like parents are any smarter today than they were 8 years ago. I got away with underage drinking the easiest way possible: find out where the adults weren't on a Friday night, and drink there. In the world of underage drinking, the K.I.S.S. rule still applies: Keep It Simple, Stupid. Don't risk tearing your fucking rectum into shreds with an improperly-placed beer bong and ending up with a can of Natty Ice swimming around somewhere in your butt.

And if you're a chick, the "vodka-soaked tampon up the pussy" plan can't possibly work out well either. Shove too many of things up there and you're bound to rip your vaginal wall somewhere and then you've got floods of booze flowing directly into your bloodstream. Before you know it, you're making Lindsay Lohan driving home from an L.A. bar look like a walk in the park. And when you end up roofied and raped at the end of the night, no grief counselor anywhere is going to be able to keep a straight face when you explain that your pussy was drunk on that fateful night.

On the positive side, though, if jamming these things up your cooch makes you drunk enough to find me attractive, than I am fully on-board with this new revolutionary tactic by America's youth.

Damn You, Dolphins. You and Your Damned Splashing by "That Guy"

CHICAGO (Reuters) – A woman is suing a Chicago-area zoo for a 2008 fall near a dolphin exhibit, accusing zookeepers of encouraging the mammals to splash water and then failing to protect spectators from wet surfaces, local media reported on Thursday.

In her suit filed earlier this week, Allecyn Edwards said she was injured while walking near an exhibit at Brookfield Zoo, where a group of Atlantic bottlenose dolphins were performing, media said.

Officials "recklessly and willfully trained and encouraged the dolphins to throw water at the spectators in the stands, making the floor wet and slippery," but failed to post warning signs or lay down protective mats or strips, the suit said, according to the reports.

Edwards is demanding more than $50,000 for lost wages, medical expenses and emotional trauma from the Chicago Zoological Society and the Forest Preserve District of Cook County, which operate the zoo in Chicago's southwest suburbs. (story courtesy of Yahoo! News)



Enter this as Exhibit 1,256,784,562,134,850 supporting the argument that women will never run the world. Hillary Clinton starts crying to try to get votes, Sarah Palin makes us all think twice about whether or not we really need Alaska in the Union, Heidi Montag does something at the Miss Universe pageant that I can't even describe, Jane Doe gets a dude fired for showing her how he grips his putter, and now Allecyn Edwards sues the zoo for letting their animals act naturally.

You know, as awesomely as this week started with the big family feud in Alabama, I'm giving serious consideration to going back to Germany and applying for citizenship. This isn't your office you're walking around at, lady, it's the fucking zoo. If you need a "Caution: Wet Floor" sign out near the dolphin tank to remind you that there's going to be water on the ground, then just stay home and watch Animal Planet to get your fix of God's creatures.

Of course the trainers "willfully" encourage dolphins to splash people in the crowd. How else would they get people to come watch the show. No one goes on whale watches and trips to Sea World to watch the things swim around and eat fish and krill, they want to see some action. Splashing is what puts asses in the seats, but I've never seen an aquatic-themed show where by the end of it there were asses on the ground due to wet conditions.

And $50,000 of lost wages, medical expenses, and EMOTIONAL TRAUMA?? Did this bitch slip and fall while walking around on stilts breaking up with her boyfriend over the phone? Give me a fucking break, lady. Wear some sneakers with grip on them the next time you venture out to the zoo, and throw some elbow pads and a crash helmet on just in case. And if you fall down, swallow your pride, accept the fact that you’re a klutz, and get the fuck back up.

And spell your name right. Allecyn, my ass.