Ducks: Friend? ...or Foe? by Kyle W.

Just sort of reflecting on my life, thinking about old times, and I realized. Weird crap happens to me. And it usually involves ducks. Here's a few stories I have to prove it.

I was walking along the bike path near my old house, on my way to visit my friend, let's call him Steve, since that's his name. Anyway. I happen to overhear a pair of ducks loudly arguing about something duck-related. First one would quack, then immediately the other, then the first one again. Because I was at a slow pace and they were quite loud, I managed to hear a good 30 seconds of duck...banter?

Now, experience tells me that if an animal is making noise and you yell "SHUT UP!" at it, it'll usually comply. So I try it on the ducks.

They stop.

Then, both turn to me, and give me the creepiest duck stare I have ever seen in my life. It was as if they were saying to me "We know where you live and we will come to your house and eat all your bread before we suffocate you with our soft down underbellies."

I'm a little nervous around ducks.

I've heard a duck tell a joke...I think. There was as group of ducks on a pond in a lake near where I used to work. One of the ducks was quacking away looking straight at a group of like 8 more ducks. Then the single duck stopped quacking, and all the other ducks went bat-shit crazy and quacked like mad-fowl. It looked just like duck stand-up comedy.

If I spoke duck, I imagine something like, "Man that flight in from Canada was a bitch eh?"

I don't know what ducks joke about...

So, I was eating my lunch on a bench near the same pond thing that the joke telling duck was in. He must have moved to a different venue at this point. It was near the end of summer, so there were ducks (and some geese, to be accurate) around, begging people for food. So a few ducks waddled up to me, and I tore off some bread from my sub sandwich, and tossed it to them. Well, they gobbled up the bread in their own duck way, until there was one piece left.

There were two ducks were charging for this last bread piece, and then a third duck quacked really loud and then the other two ducks stopped. The third duck sniffed the bread. Well, I thought it sniffed it. Do ducks have nostrils? Anyway,the duck that sniffed it must not have wanted it and backed up. The two original ducks were about equal distance away from the bread. The third duck looked at both of them, then flapped its wings, then the two original ducks raced at the bread, but instead clashed into each other, trying to push the other away from the bread, wings flapping and bills snapping.

It looked like some sort of duck sumo.


...


Ducks are fucking weird.