Here's a Quarter. Now Pay Attention by Kyle W.

Ladies, we need to talk.

By we, I mean a small group of guys whom you seem to not know anything about. We're the nice guys, the guy friends you turn to when the "total hottie" shatters your young female heart all over your bedroom floor, when "GRRR Boys suck!", or when he doesn't quite grasp that living in a different area code still constitutes cheating. We've dried your dripping tear ducts, offered you the shoulder to sob on, listened to you whine in person and on the phone for hours, and all the while told you it was all going to be o-k. Well, I and the rest of my little group are DONE being slapped the "Nice Guys Finish Last" stereotype.

We had a meeting. Decided on couple things that you might want to take a look at.

First off, we are sick of listening to you cry while simultaneously completely losing out in the girlfriend department. We can't even count the number of instances where we have listened to you mope, sulk, and grumble about finding the "nice boy who will treat me with respect," when we're standing here in plain view, right in front of your face? Oh wait...that's right. We don't count because you wouldn't dare to "mess things up." That's the BIGGEST load of crap we've ever had enter our ears. Perhaps if we were muscled and toned and "omg hawt" as the frat boy flavor of the month, you'd give us even a second look. Well, you know what? It's life. It is NOT like a daytime soap. How long do you honestly expect us just to sit by and listen to tragedy and turmoil that surrounds your life and not fall for you? Are you blind? Me and the guys were thinking of maybe passing out some seeing-eye dogs. We are sick of being just another "girl" friend. And that is what we are. We're the quintessential girlfriend, but with a deeper voice and with a few parts exchanged.

Next topic.

Cut the crap. We know what you mean, we actually understand you; if you want us to go away for a while, TELL US. Don't lie and say it's "girl's night out." This is asinine and a heap of BS, because the minute you see a hot guy, you're scoping him out and suddenly "on the prowl." We are pretty straightforward on the other hand: we're either "on the prowl" or "hanging with the guys." Those are our two modes. Also, if you don't like us, we can handle it. TELL US. None of this "Let's just be really really good friends" malarkey. (This also marks the first time I've used the word "malarkey" in context) Translation: "I'm sorry, but you're just really ugly or fat or short or tall or any other of the small possible flaws that you have little to no control over." If we don't ask you on a date, a good guess would be because we are intimidated by you. Don't make us increasingly nervous and anxious by rushing to be our "friend" when we like you.

Finally, and ladies if you haven't been paying attention, this is the most important time to start.

If the guy you are with is treating you like crap...let me clear my throat for this one... LEAVE HIM. I know you don't want to because he is so hot and has the "dreamiest blue eyes," but he is a scum bag; a loser, an asshole, and not worth your time and effort. Wake up, stretch, go pee, get dressed, look in the mirror and see that he is a jerk. He will not get better if you give it a few more days or weeks or months. He will not change because "You don't know him like I do". We are professionals in seeing through the veils that people surround themselves with. We know that people, do not change unless they want to. And believe it when I say this, he doesn't want to change, because all he has to do is find the next skirt to chase and will then proceed to forget you existed.

"But Kyle, what do you mean by all this?" I'm glad you asked. You see, if he: stands you up routinely with no viable explanation, yells at you repeatedly, forces you to dress or act a certain way, alienates you from anybody you were friends with before you got with him, or, most obviously cheats on you, he WILL DO IT AGAIN. AND AGAIN. AND...yes. That's right. AGAIN. Good, you're learning. Just as he will always do these things, you will always go back to him. It is like the gears of a clock. He will effectively own you, treat you badly, and we will cry for you because of it. Then, after a long night of us making you feel better, you'll somehow forget the pain he caused you, go back to him, and he will treat you as worse as before, and we'll be there for you once again. Please do yourselves (and us) a favor, and let him go; don't save this one. I promise you, he is not THAT cute, and the sex is not THAT good. Nothing is worth getting hurt time and again, and when you do get hurt, nice guys like us really feel to introducing Abercrombie and his buddy Fitch to Fist and his friend Other Fist.

All told, we want nothing more than to show you what a real "good" guy is like. You know the one. That good guy your girlfriends tell you about.

Oh...oh wait here. We interrupt this note with a breaking news bulletin. It seems...yes I've just been informed that WE ARE THOSE "GOOD" GUYS. You deal with an untapped resource of quality date material every single day, and we think we finally deserve our chance. You can't deny it. Why, it was just the other day you were saying how sweet we are, how "romantic" our ideas are, and how you wish there were more guys like us in the world. So stop trying to hook us up with your humped back cousin with the mole who's from a different branch of the family tree. We are friends with YOU, we want to show YOU how good we really are.

Unlike Mr. Six Pack Abs, we don't like you because your halter top is tight and your ass looks fine in those jeans. Not because you looked nice under the strobe lights or when we were drunk, either. Not because this one guy said you were easy or because you spent 3 hours putting on make-up and picking out clothes. We are attracted the inner you because we know that part of you better than anyone else. We know everything there is to know about you because you've been telling us for months and years. You have shared your guarded, innermost secrets with us. So we can't dance moves and can't bench twice our weight. We still dance with you on the dance floor or in the rain or in the basement when no one else is watching. And hey, we try to work out, but the new expansion came out for our favorite game, and we're trying to figure out how to end something we wrote about you. Who knows you better than us? Who can you trust with everything? That's right, ladies, us. The Nice Guys. The boy-girlfriends.


Thanks for reading, if you did. If not, eat me. - Kyle